What is a Comparison Trap?
A Comparison trap is the tendency to constantly measure oneself against others, often leading to feelings of inadequacy, envy, and diminished self-worth. Mitch Prinstein, psychologist and author of the popular book: The Power of Likeability in a Status-Obsessed World, notes that “when we’re reliant on others for our sense of self, only feeling good if we get positive feedback or markers of status, we’re at risk for depression.” Solane Bramhill, third year student studying Psychology, stated that social media only intensifies this trap. With endless updates at our fingertips, it becomes easier than ever to reflect on where we stand in comparison to others, often negatively. This can lead to inadequacy, reduced motivation, self-doubt, and a distorted sense of progress.
A Hopeful Future: Mentorship Helps!
Comparison is a natural reaction, especially in today’s hyperconnected world. When it starts interfering with our ability to celebrate wins—our own or others’—mentorship can be a powerful remedy. A good mentor encourages you to shift from comparison to celebration and helps train your brain to quiet negative self-talk. Now, let’s hear from Betty Lonis, a Human Resource executive, who shares her personal journey on comparison traps as well as practical tips and advice.
A message from Betty Lonis on the Comparison Trap
Introduction and Career Background
Meet Betty Lonis, a Human Resource leader, Pass the Torch for Women Mentor, and executive coach. With a background in psychology, Betty spent 30 years in the field with positions of senior HR business partner roles and most recently served as the Head of the department at FinishMaster. After retiring in 2023 following a company acquisition, she began her next chapter as a part-time executive coach and HR consultant.
How did you connect with Pass the Torch for Women?
“I got connected through my previous company, Naviant. They were looking for internal mentors and I was connected with Pass the Torch. I became a mentor through their Legacy Leader Group and joined the board in 2017, which marked 8 years of involvement where I mostly mentored developing leaders and had worked with a few Project Grow students.
My favorite memory was getting paired with a mentee who wanted to transition into HR. I encouraged her to go through the Next Gen Talent program, which I previously served on the board for. She completed the program, and we ended up working together again on the mentoring committee. We still keep in touch today– I truly value this long-term connection.”
Have you struggled with comparison traps?
“Absolutely– not just early in my career. Honestly, I think it’s something that can follow you your whole life. A recent example is when I started my executive coaching certification. I assumed, with my background in HR, that it would come easily. But this style of coaching is very different—it’s more about asking the right questions than giving advice.
I remember one peer coaching session where the feedback I received wasn’t great. It shook my confidence. I started to think, Maybe I’m not cut out for this. Thankfully, my mentor coach reassured me, saying I was doing really well and that peer feedback can be unreliable since we’re still learning. That validation helped me stay in the program.
Even now, I see others in my cohort finishing faster or launching coaching practices sooner. It’s easy to compare. But I have to remind myself: I’m on a different path and timeline. This is something I’m doing for joy and fulfillment—not to return to a 60-hour workweek.”
Social Media often fuels comparison– has it played a role in your own experience?
“In some ways, yes. LinkedIn or professional posts don’t trigger me as much, probably because I’m not naturally extroverted. But in my personal life—particularly around my hobby in running, I can fall into that trap when I see others’ race times or training progress.
For people who’ve grown up with social media constantly, I can see how it becomes even more challenging. You’re constantly exposed to people’s highlight reels and start to feel like you’re falling behind—even when you’re doing just fine.”
What practical tips or support systems have helped you when you’re struggling with comparison?
“A few things:
● Community: Having a strong, supportive network of peers is key. My HR and coaching circles remind me we’re all going through similar struggles—and that’s reassuring.
● Self-reflection: I’ve learned to be more intentional with my time. I ask: Why am I doing this? Do I want to? Does it align with my values right now?
● Perspective: Everyone’s juggling something, no matter how perfect things look from the outside. No one has it all figured out. Once you understand that, comparison starts to lose its power.
My current mentee has been encouraging and has helped me brainstorm how to reach out to my network more effectively. She reminded me that people want to help– you just need to be specific.”
What advice would you give to someone feeling stuck in the comparison trap?
“You are not alone. Everyone feels this way at some point—even those who look like they have it all together. Talk to a mentor and reach out to your network. If you don’t have one, start building one. Community helps put things into perspective.
Don’t isolate yourself—that’s when the trap gets worse. Once you start talking about it, you’ll realize others are going through the same thing. Most importantly, remember: your journey is your own. Your goals and timeline don’t have to look like anyone else’s.”
What’s Next?
Inspired by Betty’s story? Take the next step– become a mentor or mentee with Pass the Torch for Women! Whether you’re feeling stuck or ready to give back, mentorship is a powerful way to break free from the comparison trap.
“I was there, now she is.” – Pass the Torch for Women
References
Luscombe, Belinda. “The Comparison Trap: Living in a Status-Obsessed World.” Psychology Today, 1 Nov. 2017, www.psychologytoday.com/us/articles/201711/the-comparison-trap.
“The Comparison Trap: Social Media and Mental Health.” Paul Menton Centre for Students with Disabilities, Carleton University, 8 Jan. 2024, https://carleton.ca/pmc/2024/the-comparison-trap-social-media-and-mental-health/.
Worthington, Alli. “How to Escape the Comparison Trap.” Alli Worthington, www.alliworthington.com/how-to-escape-the-comparison-trap.
